Sunsets, sunrises. Growing

Hey there my loved ones,


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKM15TaKLUI

Dolores

I hope all of you are doing great, that every day is full of little moments which are putting you to smile. Being back in California, my life over here is wavy, each of my day is filled with so many mixed feelings. There are moments when my mind is crystal clear and I know that I am capable achieve my goal and dream one day to live and settle down in here. Then there are those little longer moments, when I am feeling little bit...restless? about all that Visa situation and any other time I remember myself - dreams are coming true, nothing is impossible, all the basement is positive attitude and hard work beyond that. 

I have learned that answers are coming when I let things go. There are no right and wrong decisions. Making that clear inside me, is much more easier to deal those everyday reality check points, what brings me down to earth. Really often time is only relevant guide to lead. Little floating in time bubbles never hurt no one :) 

One and a half month have been passed fast and every single day life is getting more more interesting. I have met some cool people, get inspired and noticing that what puts me to roll in my life is socialization. Yet, time have shown me that all the relationships are not meant to last. An this is life. I take changes as a side of moving on, learning again something new, something important about myself and my character.

They say that "Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong". I find it very wise. Life itself is a interesting path, to take a look back and seeing yourself little wider perspective, all decisions in the past, all the people who you have met, all the difficulties and happy moments you have gone thru, they have been leading us where we are today. It may not like you, or you may love it, either way you are on progress at all the time. 

My second time in California is different. It is much more real life, taking responsibilities and figuring things out. Taking care of myself. Growing stronger and wiser, making accomplishment and peace with myself over and over again. Sometimes it feels like it's endless. 

And when I'm owning that feeling I go to run, I do my workout, I go to nature and I drive around. Golden sunrise behind the mountains and pinkish sunset over the mountains, endless waives over Half Moon Bay, sand between my toes. Pacific Ocean. Enlightened moments  I realize, girl you are free, do not set barrier for yourself.  

Belmont

Half Moon Bay

Exactly those places what makes little Silja feel that she can conquer the world :)

See you all of you in a little time range, 

Love, 

Silja

London/Estonia/California summer 2015

Hey there, 

I was thinking in here, that it's last time to go over to English. Prob I will keep writing something in Estonian as well, for my closest family. Hope you all are fine with that and my life have been already moved into English spoken environment couple of past years. 

There are million things on my side that I have to/ want to write you and let u know, but this post I will concentrate fast, more or less, for my travels. It's not an surprise for u guys, that first time when I moved to California I felt such a strong connection with this naturally gorgeous place. It wasn't so much about fancying dream life - surfing - palm trees - LA or SF. That time, 2012, I even didn't locate myself in here, that SF is my hometown, LA is only 1,5 h away to fly. I didn't saw those cool blonde hair surfers and real hippies in Haight and Ashbury. What really got my heart, were warm people who came into my life from different roads and occasions. Okay, Pacific and mountains are my other weakness, edge of the cliff I feel that I'm free and my mind is ready to go after dreams. 

Anyhow, I had the most amazing time so far in my life and I needed to leave because of my contract and visa was over. Overall my life was so carefree, only things to worry was with who and where I'm going to spend weekends and do I go to gym enough times??! 

2014 I moved back to Estonia with my splitted hurting heart. After spending 6 months in my homeland I started to let people into my life again and then, I decided to move to London. Start all over again, as I couldn't, not yet, deal with tiny Estonia. 14th of January 2015 I landed first time in my life in UK, London.

I had my times over there and soon I was feeling so comfy and homie, full of energy and totally myself, surrounded by new people who took me into their life. And surprisingly or not, our worlds and thoughts towards the life matched pretty well. I was making my life over there. I had an control. Had slightly those feelings, that yes, this is the place where I can settle down for some time, couple of years and sort things out, go to school again, get another degree, grown myself in my career. Well. Life is made up with changes. At least mine, so far.

After couple of months living in London, second time, door opened for me to go back to my beloved home California. It was a sign for something and therefor I may know not yet, for exactly what. So I gave up my apartment, job and kept friends and took decision to fly to CA for 3 months /that's how long they give tourist visa/ and see what's going to happen. I knew it already, that it will not be that carefree time anymore, but still I left my heart here.

little time, last steps in London

Leaving London 3rd of August 2015 I flied back to Estonia for a week, mainly to see my mom. My mind wasn't still ready for Estonia. I can just tell that, it was hard, oh how hard to leave this city, even I knew it inside me, that only for 3 months, I dropped some tears. "I see that u have really mixed feelings - sad and happy to leave" told A to me. It was more than true.

and the day before I left Estonia

10th of August I found myself again a place, where I landed exactly week ago. Now it was time to take off from Tallinn Airport. Hours of flying and one dismissed flight in LA I was back to breath in air in SF. Home. Seeing Magda running towards me and hugging someone so hard and having a feeling that u girl have a treasure out here. And guys, u know how I felt back here, that I have never left.

Unfortunately I have my 3 months to stay. 2 to go. What future brings me, is, of course, mainly in my own hands. Therefor I do my best to end up in here, but believe me, it is not easy. Even if I wish to think it is easy, it's not. Today I can say that I am not sad to move back to London, but so far I will take the best out of here.
Other thing what I wanna put in ure heart is, please don't think that I'm only having fun and crazy amazing dream time in here. I want that u see behind the curtains what I'm going thru. So let me tell you shortly - Yes I am happy that I am back, I am so thankful that I have at least 4-5 homes in here, where I'm always welcome. I am surrounded by people who are standing next to me in my happy and sad and confusing times. That I have a job where everyone is super flexible with me and my schedule. But here is other side with what more or less I deal everyday - inside me. I have 3 months and I have to leave again, I don't wanna stay over time, but I have no idea how I go, it's breaking my heart again, leaving uncertain time everything and everyone again. I can't change my tourist visa whatever it takes. This is crystal clear now. 

I am insecure sometimes and 5 minutes later I feel fine and my thoughts for future are more clear. Days are up and down. Fear inside me is backing up a little. One day I let things go and another day I'm not accepting this situation anymore.

And yes, I have to admit, it was me who made decision to come back in here, even tho, knowing I have short time, it's little bit like teasing myself. End of the day I know where is my heart and friends. If I never try I never know :) 

and found myself back in home California

Will start my new day in here now. Life is full on discovers so stay tuned sweethearts :) 

Love, 

Silja